if not now… when?

If not now… when? A Journey Into Polyamory.

If not now… when? Kay said to me as we sat across the table from each other in a dimly lit downtown bar. Our date was in the restroom (pretending to use it) as we privately made a decision to take her home with us that evening. Historically, up until this point, our dates have all been “if not now, then later”, but this woman was leaving tomorrow - back to one of the Carolinas - I can’t remember if it was North or South, and those details don’t matter in relation to how unbelievably gorgeous and into us she was. We were both smitten. The situation was ideal. And I was just drunk enough to look across from him and respond with “You’re right. If not now, never”

Our date, a lovely twenty-something, came back from the restroom with a curious smile on her face and said: “So, can I come home with you?” -  “Cheque please!” 

We finished up our drinks, grabbed a train home, and continued our date on the commute. I kept thinking to myself: How trusting is this random girl we only met 2 hours ago to just come home with us? But that’s what Kay and I did so well. We weren’t fake, we were their friends from minute 1, we made them feel comfy and we were interested in them, as a whole person, and we genuinely cared for who they were. They were not an object when we were in pursuit. We weren’t “hunting”. And this was a key factor for a successful and fun time. 

Our house was 30 minutes away from the downtown core, a short train ride on public transit, and a couple of tiny hills to climb, and that 30 minutes felt like just as long as we got from “Hi, nice to meet you” to “Cheque please”. We sat in our living room and rehydrated, sobered up a bit, and just before midnight went to the bedroom.

Around 4 am we drove her back to the place she was staying, on a college campus about an hour away. We drove home facing the sunrise in reflective silence. What are we even doing? How are we so lucky? Can you imagine going back in time, even a few years, and telling ourselves this is what you would be doing tonight? 

I felt great, and so did Kay. We got back home, fed our cat, went to bed, and slept for 5 hours. 

If not now, when? This became the reason for how I came into ethical non-monogamy, and later into polyamory. The years have been hard, damaging, fun, exciting, satisfying, worrisome, loving, and the most life-altering, authentic, and intentional years of my life. Individually, it’s changed, shaped, inspired, and surprised me many times over. 

My account is unique, my stories are (mostly) true, my faults are 100% my own, and my mistakes are lessons learned. I hope to share more stories here as I reach almost a decade of practicing ethical non-monogamy.